College by DAVE BARRY Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life. It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells. After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this. So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each: ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant. --------------------------------------------------------------------- > Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered > throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. > > __________________________________________________________________________ > > In a Tokyo Hotel: > Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not > a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis. > > In a Bucharest hotel lobby: > The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time > we regret that you will be unbearable. > > In a Leipzig elevator: > Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up. > > In a Belgrade hotel elevator: > To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the > cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a > number of wishing floor. Driving is then going > alphabetically by national order. > > In a Paris hotel elevator: > Please leave your values at the front desk. > > In a hotel in Athens: > Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the > hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. > > In a Yugoslavian hotel: > The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the > chambermaid. > > In a Japanese hotel: > You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. > > In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: > You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian > and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily > except Thursday. > > In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: > Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose > in the boots of ascension. > > On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: > Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. > > On the menu of a Polish hotel: > Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy > > dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; > beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. > > Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop: > Ladies may have a fit upstairs. > > In a Bangkok dry cleaners: > Drop your trousers here for best results. > > Outside a Paris dress shop: > Dresses for street walking. > > In a Rhodes tailor shop: > Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute > customers in strict rotation. > > From the Soviet Weekly: > There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet > Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over > the past two years. > > A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: > It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site > that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, > live together in one tent unless they are married with each > other for that purpose. > > In a Zurich hotel: > Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the > opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the > lobby be used for this purpose. > > In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: > Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. > > In a Rome laundry: > Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon > having a good time. > > In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency: > Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no > miscarriages. > > Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: > Would you like to ride on your own ass? > > In a Swiss mountain inn: > Special today -- no ice cream. > > In a Bangkok temple: > It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed > as a man. > > In a Tokyo bar: > > Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. > > In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: > We take your bags and send them in all directions. > > On the door of a Moscow hotel room: > If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome > to it. > > In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: > Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. > > In a Budapest zoo: > Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable > food, give it to the guard on duty. > > In the office of a Roman doctor: > Specialist in women and other diseases. > > In an Acapulco hotel: > The manager has personally passed all the water served here. > > In a Tokyo shop: > Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are > best in the long run. > > From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: > > Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your > room, please control yourself. > > From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: > When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. > Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles > your passage then tootle him with vigor. > > Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance: > - English well speaking > - Here speeching American. > > > -- > \ \_-~-_-~-_-~-|| Aliens think factories are musical instruments._-~-_-~-_/ / > / / Todd :-) || They sing along with them. :-} :-0 \ \ > \ \ Blakaitis || Each song lasts from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. :-| / / > / /~-_-~-_-~-_-|| No music on weekends. - T.H. \/toddb@vu-vlsi.vill.edu_\ \ > > > > ----- End Included Message ----- ----- End Included Message -----