Deep Thoughts
----------------
By Jack Handey
> 
> It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of
> wild dogs.
> 
> Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
> of us died of tuberculosis.
> 
> Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
> "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
> What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
> 
> I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just
> go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
> 
> It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
> 
> I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and
> we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
> 
> I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
> don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
> somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
> 
> The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
> 
> Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
> bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
> But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
> 
> I'd rather be rich than stupid.
> 
> If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up
> to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to
> say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
> 
> If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming
> and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a
> coward.
> 
> I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
> the story of Popeye.
> 
> When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
> press charges.
> 
> To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
> the dancers hit each other.
> 
> What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
> solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
> 
> We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
> personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
> 
> Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
> surface attached to the end of a long stick.
> 
> I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
> To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing
> up, is not what I call hospitality.
> 
> To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where
> this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a
> clown killed my dad.
> 
> As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
> pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
> 
> Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
> brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
> like a deer.
> 
> If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
> might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
> 
> Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
> when you're coming home his face might burn up.
> 
> You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people
> happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
> 
> Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
> down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person
> comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
> jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that
> says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
> 
> If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
> back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
> 
> If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
> students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
> 
> If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
> look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
> 
> I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you
> can really see it in those genitals.
> 
> Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and
> the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that
> thing.
> 
> He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a
> woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
> Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
> laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be
> waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
> 
> The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
> remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and
> drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
> smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.
> I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not,
> and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
> 
> If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God
> is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is
> "Probably because of something you did."
> 
> Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not
>  the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
> elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
> 
> As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it
> should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
> suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a
> joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
> 
> One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
> little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
> warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but
> I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive
> over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
> 
> If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked
> dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's
> Hambone.
> 
> Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
> dinner tasted like.
> 
> We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't
> be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in
> town.
> 
> I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we
> could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
> 
> As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought
> back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named
> him Flint.
> 
> If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
> embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
> 
> Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
> is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then
> it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
> 
> If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all
> watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
> 
> When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all
> go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It
> wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
> 
> I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of
> like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
> 
> 
> "Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know
> sensuality if it bite her on the ass."
>                        -Jack Handy, SNL 11/1/92
> --
> 
> "If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause,
> man, they're gone."
>                         -Jack Handy, SNL 11/1/92
> --
> 
>  Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai,
>  I met a mysterious old stranger.  He said he was
>  about to die and wanted to tell someone about the
>  treasure.  I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long
>  story.  Some of us have a plane to catch, you know."
>  He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and
>  his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too
>  long."  But then, he kept going, and I started thinking,
>  "Uh-oh, this story is getting long."  But then the
>  story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that
>  story wasn't too long after all."
>  I forget what the story was about, but there was a
>  good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
> 
>  Is there anything more beautiful than
>  a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
>  across in front of a beautiful sunset?
>  And he's carrying a very beautiful rose
>  in his beak, and also he's carrying a very
>  beautiful painting with his feet.  And also,
>  you're drunk.
> 
>  In weightlifting, I don't think sudden,
>  uncontrolled urination should automatically
>  disqualify you.
> 
> 
>  Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows;
>  but without that noise.
> 
>  When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they
>  must have sensed it.  Probably, the gathered together
>  one evening, slapped each other on the back and said,
>  "Hey, good job."
> 
> 
>  I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every
>  morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old
>  board of his.  Then he'd spin it round and round, like a
>  wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell
>  out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!"
>  We all thought he was crazy.  But then we had some growing
>  up to do.
> 
> 
>  If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think
>  I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it
>  was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression
>  we are trying to convey with our store.  On the other
>  hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or
>  testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations
>  seemed to be getting out of control.
> 
>  I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you
>  could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
> 
>  Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop
>  and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly,
>  because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that
>  comes flying out.
> 
>  I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside.
>  I knew what was coming.  "You don't have to tell me," I
>  said.  "I'm off the team, aren't I?"
>  "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You
>  made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and
>  your helmet is a toy space helmet.  You show up at practice
>  and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get
>  it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times."
>  It was all true what he was saying.  And yet, I thought
>  something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He
>  sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can
>  mold.  But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
> 
> 
>  When I herad that trees grow a new 'ring' for each
>  year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of
>  like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and
>  after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all
>  our skin layers.
> 
> 
>  Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing
>  is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand.
>  Come on, Martha.  Grow up.
> 
> 
>  The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life.
>  But now it was time to hang up the cue.  When he did
>  all the other cues came crashing to the floor.
>  "Sorry," he said with a smile.
> 
> 
>  If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to
>  bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a
>  way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with
>  this thing.
> 
> 
>  Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that
>  what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.
>  First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
> 
> 
>  If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the
>  stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just
>  pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all
>  in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball.  Then,
>  later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys,
>  let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground.
>  Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
> 
> 
>  The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from
>  the roof reminded me of the sound of urine
>  splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
> 
> 
>  I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a
>  very large shrimp.  That way, you could ride him, then
>  after you camped at night, you could eat him.
>  How about it, science?
> 
>  I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.
>  "That was fun," I said.  "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb
>  higher."  "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now."
>  "We have time," Nick insisted.  I said we didn't, and Nick said
>  we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes,
>  then finally decided to head back.  I didn't say it was an
>  interesting story.
> 
> 
>  Some folks say it was a miracle.  Saint Francis suddenly
>  appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence.
>  But I think it was just a lucky swing.
> 
> 
>  Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk,
>  because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.
> 
>  To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion.  Truth is
>  real.  And, at the same time, unreal.  Fiction and fact and
>  everything in between, plus some things I can't remember,
>  all rolled into one big 'thing'.  This is truth, to me.
> 
> 
> 
>  I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to
>  where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the
>  cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun
>  be blotted out from the sky."  Just then the eclipse would
>  start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something,
>  but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon
>  and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
> 
>  I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king,
>  because I like people to do what I say.
> 
> 
>  Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk
>  in front of our house.  And I thought, I too am like that
>  snail.  I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell'
>  if you will.  But my shell isn't made out of a hard
>  protective substance.  Mine is made out of tinfoil and
>  paper bags.
> 
> 
>  A man doesn't automatically get my respect.  He has
>  to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
> 
> 
>  If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your
>  underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have
>  'under' in them, because that's probably the first
>  sign of jungle madness.
> 
>  Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I
>  just want to throw back my head and gargle.  Just
>  gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because
>  I am beautiful.
> 
>  Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.  For instance,
>  let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear
>  that your partner nas been turned into Dracula.  The
>  next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you
>  just slam the door behind him and blast off.  He might
>  call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you
>  just say, "Think again, bat man."
> 
>  I wish scientists would come up with a way to make
>  dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head.  That way,
>  they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't
>  eat as much.
> 
>  I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in
>  the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the
>  ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
> 
>  I think a good mavie would be about a guy who's a brain
>  scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the
>  part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain.
> 
>  I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught
>  a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole
>  person.  Then they cut the person open, and in him is a
>  little baby shark.  And in the baby shark there isn't a
>  person, because it would be too small.  But there's a little
>  doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy--
>  something like that.
> 
>  It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having
>  Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy
>  at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the
>  dolphins.  They eat fish."  Sure they eat fish, if that's
>  all you give them.  Man, wise up.
> 
>  If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be
>  amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and
>  how we take so much of it for granted.
> 
>  We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we
>  can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this
>  is what annoys me.
> 
>  It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a
>  skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a
>  skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and
>  really scare you.
> 
>  If you had a school for professional fireworks people,
>  I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class.
>  It's just too rich a subject.
> 
>  People think it would be fun to be a bird because you
>  could fly.  But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
> 
>  If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun
>  in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.  That was if some
>  smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's
>  carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody
>  else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a
>  soldering iron.  The soldering iron of justice."
>  Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made
>  fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit
>  them up for a free drink.
> 
>  When I think back on all the blessings I have been given
>  in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you
>  count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
> 
>  I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike,
>  vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would
>  pick 'Americans' as their mascot.
> 
>  Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad.  And
>  then I think, "Aw, who cares?"  And then I think,
>  "Hey, what's for supper?"
> 
>  If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play
>  within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and
>  hold on for the ride of your life.
> 
>  I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things
>  off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong
>  with little bits of cheese?  They probably break down into
>  their various gases before they even hit.
> 
>  If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use
>  in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress
>  the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they
>  think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
> 
>  Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake:  straddle
>  a big crack in the ground, and if it opend wider, go
>  "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're
>  going to fall in.
> 
>  If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody,
>  like a lot of people do.  Instead, try to get some weeding
>  done, because you'd really be surprised.
> 
>  It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a
>  scared rabbit.  Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was
>  running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
> 
>  I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where
>  they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant
>  onto you buttocks and start yowling and running around.
>  Everyone would think it was funny,  and the head movie
>  guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
> 
>  Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should
>  just call them 'impressions' and it you got a diffrent
>  'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?
> 
>  If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope
>  He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
> 
>  Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is
>  a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because
>  WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!
> 
>  Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime
>  will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they
>  will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever
>  created by Man.


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